I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
