if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
40s are totally the cure
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
