Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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