He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
