i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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