i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
its liver damage thursday
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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