i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
