Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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