i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
