She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
