I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
