I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
