The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
