I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Come see our sink grown plant.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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