I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
