I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
