Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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