I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize