the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
