how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
