i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
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