Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
