Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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