So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
