I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
