News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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