u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
