After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
