i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
