Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
