Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
