Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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