Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
