It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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