Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
