I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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