Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
