halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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