The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
