Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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