oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize