Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize