that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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