Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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