Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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