Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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