I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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