yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
