he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
