I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
