I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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