woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
