If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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