I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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