just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
