Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
