She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
