At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
