I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
